GasMaskFox

When my depression was at its peak, my only hobby was bushcraft camping.

When I walked silence, untouched, still, lonely woods, I was able to forget everything.

In there, plan for your next year, next decades, the rest of your life doesn't matter.

Only today, today was all that mattered.

The rest of all was worthless.

Good education, good job, comfort life, wasn't concerned at all.

Can I find a good spot to camp, do I have enough provisions, where is the nearest water source, how much can I walk, can my body withstand more pain - these things were the only concern.

I just walked and walked, only looking at my next step, not to think others.

I needed peace.

I needed time to look at the sky and doing nothing and it was okay.

I needed to wash all of the things in my mind that I can't handle with.

I just wanted to die burying my face in the dirt, just like the nightmare I had before.

But I couldn't.

This life, this life is, so cruel, beautiful, painful, sweet, addictive, confusing, fancy, yet miserable, full of joy and sadness, disoriented but requires balance, wants loneliness and relationships at the same time, something that mix of truth and lies.

There is no single reason to sustain one's life, but no reason to end.

We must make ourselves choices, and hope we made our best choices.

And even when we die, we cannot know if those choices were right.

We can only hope those were right.

It's been almost a year since I went dark.

First of all, apologies for my lack of activity and all that. I really hate that I had pretty much abandoned this account for a while, for sure many of you had questions, and I felt very uncomfortable to let those questions unanswered.

The main reason that I had to leave is mainly about my health issue. Not the physical one, but the mental one. I vaguely knew I had some problems several years ago, but I ignored it cause I believed that I could get better.

But last year, things changed violently, worsen my situation like it never been before. Honestly, I never thought I would see 2019 alive.

Cause of my issue, I pretty much lost all the interests in my life. Drawing, camping, video game, things got so dull and I couldn't feel any joy out of it, I just watched as things that used to be part of me lose its colors by time.

And realize that I'm going through such a process is very painful. I would like to enjoy drawing I used to do. I need something that can fill my emptiness inside of me, yet nothing seems to could bring me back.

Despite that, I can't say I would abandon what I've been doing. If I do that, it would be all over for me. Willingly or not, that is one of the reasons that put me in this world, even if it's just nominal.

It is very frightening that losing interest in everything. Things I cared, things I loved, now seem so worthless and invaluable. This world is so vast, and I just bury my head in dark silence in this busy, unforgiving reality.

In recent counseling, I realized that last time I lived without any concern was my time in the army, and if the time that everybody else hates is my best time so far, then I sure do have problems.

Now I just want to rest. I want peace and quiet without any concern of the world. Wish I got help much sooner.

But, I will restart what I've been doing in someday. There is still a tiny bit of desire that wants to go back in time. But I will probably never going to accept any commissions from now on.

Just hoping I'm not too late by now.

I'm hoping this journal helps you understand what I've been through. Again, sorry for sudden silence with no heads up whatsoever.

I got a Sabre mk3 OC spray in my house, carry within my bag everyday. I saw and read what it does and I know what it should does but I always had my curiosity. So, yesterday I closed my eyes and sprayed it between my eyes, and for the best simulated result I rubbed it like someone who got sprayed in face would do.

...And all hell broke loose...

It. Was. The. Worst. Pain. In. My. Lifeeeeee.

It was like my eyes are burning, so hot that I couldn't breath properly(of course some of the liquid went into my nose), minor nausia followed, I breifely feared that I might loose my sight for a moment, it was soooooooooooo painful I can't even describe it properly. I exprienced CS gas in army. This is way far worse than that. As regreted hard for the poor choice I made, I rushed with mt eyes closed(you really can't open eyes when you got OC'ed), and immediately took cold shower. Even for the shower it took over 15 minutes till I could finally open my eyes. I was crying without control so hard, my eyeballs were very red XD

I am actually very happy with the result cause now I exactly knows what it does if I spray it. If it is real situation outside, there wouldn't be place to wash up like I did, and it would do much more damage to the offender and result will be very much satisfactory.

Maybe I shall taze myself next time IF I can get hand on one of those...